soul searching

Exit 151. Who am I? What do I want?

Who am I?

What do I want?

I’ve had a few conversations lately along these lines.  Most notably, a few weeks ago, my therapist asked me if I were to wake up tomorrow and everything would be happy, exactly the life I want, what would that look like?  It seems like a simple question… but I wasn’t satisfied with my answer.  My answer seemed clichéd and unrealistic.

The best answer I could come up with was that I would want to be married to a nice Christian woman, and we would be raising a family together, and we would be involved in a church.  And all of the frustrations I have with the way the world is wouldn’t matter, because she would share many of my frustrations, and church would be our safe place away from that.  That all sounds nice from the somewhat naïve world view I had in my early 20s as a new Christian, when things seemed more black and white, and I was surrounded socially by other Christians.  That isn’t life anymore.  Life at 40 in the suburbs is different.

And is that really what I want?  Or is that what I’ve always been told to want?  Do I want this life for the right reasons, or for shallow reasons of the flesh?  Are there any options I haven’t explored yet?  Which ones are worth my time, and which ones have I avoided just because I want to stay in my comfort zone?

If I’m going to make any progress in figuring out life, I’m going to have to figure this out first.

Exit 140. My last hour of winter break.

I’m down to my last hour of winter break.  I go back to work tomorrow after a couple of weeks off.  I don’t want to say I’m not looking forward to it… that’s not it.  There is something I’m not looking forward to about it, but I think it’s just that I’m not looking forward to having to get up early and do stuff, as opposed to sitting around in my pajamas all day watching The Price Is Right.

I had a lot of ideas about what this week’s post would be.  At first, I was going to do something about the new year, goals for 2017 along with some reflections about 2016.  Then, last night, I did some stream-of-consciousness writing about a small step I took recently in removing myself from certain toxic individuals, and how what happened kind of contradicts something I once wrote about in this blog, because people and circumstances change.  But then I decided not to write about it in any more detail than I just did, because it’s not really the kind of dirt I should be spreading publicly.

So I’m just going to leave this week’s post like this.  I’m not ready to write about goals for 2017, because I don’t know them yet.  I need to take some time for some major soul searching, and figure out who I am and what I want out of life.  Most of my ideas of what I wanted out of life in the past were somewhat vaguely defined, and more important, they were based on a number of assumptions about the world and the future that either are blatantly not true or were once true but are no longer.  My goals need to be revised.

So, until then, friends, I hope all of your 2017s are off to a wonderful start.