busy

Exit 230. I don’t have time.

I don’t have time.

I always have all these great creative ideas, and I don’t have time to work on all of them.

I wrote a novel off and on from 2014-18, more off than on, and it still feels like it isn’t quite finished, like there’s one part that needs to be rewritten.  I started a second blog recently.  I have another fictional universe I’ve done things with in various forms for over a quarter-century.  And I feel like I can’t really commit to any of them.

But that’s okay.  All of these projects are just for fun, and I shouldn’t stress about them.  I’m not trying to make a living out of any of these creative projects.  I have a real job that takes a lot of my time.  But this is also the kind of real job that periodically gives me time off when I can concentrate on things like this.

So I’m just not going to worry about it.  I’ll write what I can, when I can.  Even if no one reads it.  Because maybe when I’m an old man, I’ll look at some of my old writing that I haven’t read in decades, and I’ll get a good laugh out of it.  (That actually happened recently with some poems I wrote in my late teens that have followed me from hard drive to hard drive on five different computers.)

And if any of you don’t know about my other projects and are curious, let me know.  I’ll either share it, or maybe I’ll kindly thank you and explain why I’m not comfortable sharing everything with everyone.

Exit 213. All of this has taken a heavy toll.

August is almost over.  It has been good so far.  The new school year is mostly starting well, although I have one class with all of the behavior problems together in the same room.  And I have had a lot of fun times with friends and family.

But all of this has taken a heavy toll on me.

I am exhausted all the time.  I have been having trouble sleeping again.  And at times, I have been short-tempered and irritable over insignificant things.

I need to get back into some healthy habits that have gone by the wayside during the last extremely busy few weeks.  Getting more exercise.  Eating less junk food.  Time in prayer and Scripture.  Stuff like that.

Hopefully September will feel a little more normal.

Exit 110. It goes nowhere.

About thirty miles from my house, in rural Solano County, Calif. near the border with Yolo County (yes, it’s really called that, I lived there for seven years), Kidwell Road crosses Interstate 80.  I have driven past this interchange many times over the years.  I used to live just a few miles away from there, in Davis, and for a significant portion of that time, my daily commute took me that way.  That route is also part of the most direct route from Sacramento to San Francisco, and I do that drive often enough that I still see Kidwell Road fairly often.  What always confused me about Kidwell Road is that it goes nowhere.

South of the freeway, Kidwell Road ends in a T-intersection with a frontage road; this frontage road dead-ends into the fields one way, and runs for about another mile or so to the next road, which also has ramps to and from I-80, in the other direction.  North of the freeway, Kidwell Road makes a 90 degree turn, changing its name for some unnecessary reason, and promptly dead-ending into some other fields.  The story I read is that this was built to settle a promise from decades earlier to farmers in the region.  They had been promised that when I-80 was built, they would still be able to conveniently access the highway, even though Interstates don’t have driveways.  Of course, there was another interchange about a mile away, and there are plenty of other agricultural regions in California where the interchanges on the freeways are much more than a mile apart.  So these farmers, whoever they were, must have been politically powerful.

In keeping with the title and logo, I have always titled my weekly posts in this blog as highway exits.  So, if we keep up that theme, this week’s post is a bit like Kidwell Road.  It goes nowhere.

For being off work, I’ve had an unusually busy week.  At least it has felt busy, although much of that has been taken up by afternoon naps, and the rest has been out having fun with friends.  I have stuff on my mind, and a lot has gone on in the world, and I haven’t really processed it all.  Every time I sit down and try to write something, it never really works.  I’m already a week behind, I promised two posts in a week at some point to make up for that, but I haven’t done that yet.

So this post is the Kidwell Road interchange on Highway Pi.  I’m just letting all of you know I’m still here, and I appreciate you reading it.  Thank you.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some rest… which I think is a good lesson for all of us.

Exit 102. My mind is blank this week.

My mind is blank this week.

I had a thought about what I wanted to write, but it just doesn’t feel right.

And that’s okay.  That in and of itself can very well be something to write about.

I’ve had a very intense week, and I feel like my mind isn’t processing things like it should.  I’m okay… I’ve just been busy and overwhelmed.  As I’ve mentioned before, the Sacramento Kings basketball team is moving to a new arena that will open this fall.  The last three games at the old facility were all this last week, and I went to all of them.  That was a lot of fun.  But between three basketball games, church, tests to grade, and other assorted responsibilities, I just can’t handle any more for a while.

And that’s okay.

This week should be a little easier than normal.  And I plan to spend as much of it as I can keeping to myself and being an introvert, recovering from all the interaction and running around and stress I’ve been dealing with for the last week.  I’ll be back to normal soon.  I just might need a few days.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes you have to take care of yourself.

Exit 89. Silence.

“Oh, I know, the silence was the loudest thing I ever heard.”

“And silence that speaks so much louder than words of promises broken.”

This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Silence says a lot.  When you interview for a job, and they say they’ll get back to you, and they don’t, that means they don’t want to hire you.  I’ve been on dates many times with women who say that they had a good time and want to see me again, but then I never hear from them again, and if I attempt to contact them, my attempt is ignored.  So, basically, they lied when they said they wanted to see me again.  Actions, or lack thereof, speak much louder than words.

Even in situations of less pressure, like within a platonic friendship, silence speaks loudly.  If someone wants me in their life, they’ll make enough time to show me this.  If they keep blowing me off, and it becomes a pattern, I’m not going to go out of my way trying to convince them that I still want to talk to them.  (By the way, I’m not being passive-aggressive here, and this message is not directed at one specific individual who has been ignoring me.  It’s just something that’s been on my mind in general the last few days, influenced by many experiences both from my past and the pasts of my friends.)

Sometimes I feel like a bad friend, though.  Sometimes I get busy with work, and life, and then I feel like hiding from the world for a few days, and I forget to make time for people.  So I’m going to stop writing now and go answer some messages.