alone

Exit 121. Staying home for no good reason.

It’s Sunday night.  I’m pretty sure that in approximately 121 weeks of doing this blog, I have never posted on a Sunday night before.  Sometimes I’m on the ball and I get my post done on Saturday; often I post Sunday afternoon or early evening; and occasionally I don’t get it done until Monday or Tuesday.  But I’m pretty sure that I have never posted later than 7:30 on a Sunday night.

There is a reason for this.  I have a weekly social dancing event that I have participated in every Sunday night since mid-2009, and since around 2011 I have volunteered there as well.  Honestly, though, I haven’t been there every Sunday night; once every couple months I ask to take the night off from volunteering because I’m out of town visiting family, or I’m at the Kings game, or I’m on my way back from a Giants game in San Francisco, or a friend who I really want to see planned a birthday party on Sunday night.  So I’m always doing something other than writing this late on a Sunday.

But tonight, I am staying home for no good reason.

I have nothing else going on tonight.  It feels like it would be a good week for me not to miss.  Last night, I was at a going away party for someone I know from this event; very few of her dancing friends showed up, so there was very little dancing at this party.  She is a wonderful dancer, and had I shown up tonight, I might have gotten one last dance with her before she moves back to her home, across a large ocean from here.  Also, someone I danced with there about a month ago and have stayed in touch with on Facebook is there right now.  It would be good to see her again, and I feel bad that I’m not there.

Nevertheless, I am staying home tonight, for no good reason.

No, that’s not true.

The reason I am staying home is because I have to take care of myself.  The last month has been an overwhelming whirlwind of stress and interaction.  I have an unusually high concentration of close friends, including myself, who have birthdays right at the same time I am starting the new school year at work.  I tend to spend most of the weekdays in August running around and trying to prepare for and adjust to a new school year, and I spend most of the time on weekends, and a few weeknights sometimes, at birthday parties with friends.  By the time the end of August comes along, my brain feels fried and my body feels exhausted.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I need more alone time, and how I need to figure out if there is anything or anyone in my life that I need to cut out, because they do more harm than good.  Since then, I have done exactly the opposite.  It’s time to start.  And staying home from dancing tonight is step 1.  How long will this last?  I don’t know.  I might be back next week.  I might be back in a few weeks.  I might not be back for a long time.  I might be avoiding other kinds of socialization for a while as well.  I might have to say some painful goodbyes.  But I can’t live the way I have been anymore.

Hopefully I can also be responsible enough to go to bed within an hour or so.

Exit 117. But what will I fill the void with?

I’ve said before that my time off work this summer seemed way too short.  I feel like the last year has been emotionally draining, for a number of reasons, most of which are not related to work, and many of which I have not shared here.  I was hoping that having seven weeks off work would give me time to clear my head, so that life would feel normal again.  But this has not happened.

I’m starting to wonder if it might be time for a more drastic step, and the message I heard at church this morning tied in with this.  Maybe it’s time to become a bit more isolated.  I’m starting to wonder if some of the things I do and people I see might be causing more harm than good.  I feel conflicted about this for a number of reasons, though.  For one thing, most of these things aren’t harmful 100% of the time.  And, for the most part, no one is actively trying to hurt me.  This is not a situation where I’m being bullied, or threatened, or anything like that.  I’m just realizing that certain parts of my life that used to make me happy in the past aren’t making me feel that way so much anymore.

But what will I fill the void with?  Part of the reason I haven’t cut things out of my life is because I have nothing with which to replace them.  That means more time spent at home moping and being alone, and that seems just as unhealthy to me.  But maybe I should be filling that void with God, spending that extra time in prayer and Scripture and meditation, to get some real direction on life.  And this doesn’t have to be forever.  When I feel ready, I can gradually add things back into my life provisionally, so I can better discern who and what are and aren’t worth my time.

I haven’t decided for sure that I will be doing this, but it’s something I’m thinking about.  We’ll see.

Exit 107. Not alone.

Eight months ago, I left my church of almost 10 years, as I have mentioned several times on this blog.  There were a variety of reasons for this, but the last straw was a major change that they seemed intent on implementing, looking only for approval from the congregation as required by the church constitution, rather than debating publicly whether or not it was a good idea.  At least, I always felt like no one was listening to me when I told them that this was a bad idea.  (Ask me privately if you want to know exactly what that change was.  That isn’t the point I’m making today.)

I haven’t cut all ties.  There are still a few people from that church who I see semi-regularly.  I am still in Facebook contact with many people from that church, and I still follow the church’s Facebook page itself.  Recently, the church Facebook page posted two pictures showing a big step that has been taken in regards to the changes I mentioned in the last paragraph.  I replied with a snarky comment.  I also liked every post made by others who seemed to prefer things before the change, and replied to a few of them.  In one of them, someone replied to my comment, asking if I was done yet or if I was looking for points for every comment I made.  I tried to stay calm and civil, because, well, everyone knows what arguing online is like.  But I explained that, when the church was presenting their new vision to the congregation, I would have appreciated knowing that there were others out there who felt the same way as me about what they proposed, and I was commenting to make sure that those who do not agree with what has happened to that church know that they are not alone.

After reading his comment, though, I decided I probably was being a little mean-spirited in my comments, and I said nothing further on those posts.  He replied something about how he had gone to that church for most of his life, and he would pray that I find a church.  His response, incidentally, highlighted another questionable aspect of this church, in that he acted like he had no idea who I was, and he was interacting with me for the first time.  This is not true.  I don’t know this guy well, but I can remember meeting him on at least three distinct occasions, and if I were to see him out and about in public, I would recognize him well enough to put a name to the face.  But he didn’t remember me, which tends to be typical at a very large church, particularly when I have been feeling more and more disconnected over the years.

Shortly after this exchange occurred, someone else I know, not connected to any of this, reposted by coincidence something that said, “I don’t share my opinions on the Internet because I want to change people’s minds.  I do it to let like-minded people know that they are not alone.”  (That’s a paraphrase, not necessarily word for word.)  I thought this was interesting, because I had never thought of this in this way before, and here it came up twice within a few days.

I often feel alone in this way.  My views, my beliefs, and my lifestyle are different from those of many people around me.  I know that this need not be a barrier preventing me from having friendships, but sometimes it matters.  Someone recently asked me if I would still believe in Jesus even if I were the only one on Earth who did.  I replied that I ask myself the same question fairly often.  But I know that I’m not as alone as I tend to think.  I have more in common with people than I tend to believe.  And I can still encourage other like-minded individuals in their beliefs.  I just need to do so without hostility toward others.