I’m not well. Not mentally and emotionally, at least.
I don’t want to talk about it. But I realized yesterday, as everything was falling apart, that there is something deeper going on that what appeared to be happening on the surface.
I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to forgive. I don’t know how to move on. I’ve been carrying around decades of burdens and rejection and hurt, and I just don’t know how to move on.
I think about things that I was successfully able to move on from, to try to figure out what to do about this. And it turns out that it might not have been so successful after all. Sometimes forgiveness happens because whoever or whatever I’m mad at apologizes or makes an effort to make things right. But I can’t control that. I can’t control other people. And sometimes it looks like I’m able to forgive someone on the surface, but then their true colors show again later, and years pass and I’m still angry and carrying it around. Or sometimes I just manage to distract and numb myself for long enough that the anger I’m carrying around doesn’t affect my ability to be a functioning adult… most of the time, until something happens like the last few days, and something that is truly insignificant in the long run triggers an avalanche of anger.
I just don’t know what to do with this. I can stay away from certain people or places where I am likely to get upset, but that’s just a Band-Aid. I’m scared. I hope I haven’t done any permanent damage to myself, my friendships, or my career. Fortunately, I see my therapist this week. That’s a start, I guess.