Who am I?
What do I want?
I’ve had a few conversations lately along these lines. Most notably, a few weeks ago, my therapist asked me if I were to wake up tomorrow and everything would be happy, exactly the life I want, what would that look like? It seems like a simple question… but I wasn’t satisfied with my answer. My answer seemed clichéd and unrealistic.
The best answer I could come up with was that I would want to be married to a nice Christian woman, and we would be raising a family together, and we would be involved in a church. And all of the frustrations I have with the way the world is wouldn’t matter, because she would share many of my frustrations, and church would be our safe place away from that. That all sounds nice from the somewhat naïve world view I had in my early 20s as a new Christian, when things seemed more black and white, and I was surrounded socially by other Christians. That isn’t life anymore. Life at 40 in the suburbs is different.
And is that really what I want? Or is that what I’ve always been told to want? Do I want this life for the right reasons, or for shallow reasons of the flesh? Are there any options I haven’t explored yet? Which ones are worth my time, and which ones have I avoided just because I want to stay in my comfort zone?
If I’m going to make any progress in figuring out life, I’m going to have to figure this out first.