In all my reflections about opposite-sex interactions and dating, I’ve recently discovered something interesting and slightly unsettling: I like to follow rules.
That shouldn’t be surprising, given my logical mind. Rules make things happen in an orderly fashion, leading to predictable outcomes. I did well in school because I followed the rules. I did my homework, I studied for tests, and I never showed up to class drunk or smoked pot in the bathroom between classes. I got my college applications in on time, and I got an academic scholarship to study at UC Davis, one of the top public universities in the nation. When I got to college, I attended class every day, except maybe two or three times when I was sick, plus one class I missed to see the Return of the Jedi Special Edition on the first day (midnight showings weren’t really a thing in 1997, so the first shows were around 11am) and two whole days of classes I missed for a church trip. I graduated with honors in four years.
I became a Christian in college, and I learned promptly that Christianity isn’t about following rules. The New Testament makes it clear that Jesus did not come to Earth to give us a bunch of new rules to follow (see, for example, Romans 3:19-26), and some of Jesus’ harshest words during his lifetime were directed at those who have an unhealthy preoccupation with following the rules (see, for example, all of Matthew 23). I didn’t realize at the time that this was happening, but it’s funny that sometimes the churches who preach the loudest about how Jesus freed his people from living a life of following rules have some of the harshest rules to follow. I didn’t realize at the time that they were rules; I just thought that those were just things that all Christians agreed on, since all those around me certainly did. Don’t use the F word. Don’t get drunk. And of course, there were all sorts of rules about interacting with the opposite sex. Don’t be in a serious relationship without marriage being the goal. Don’t date a non-Christian. Don’t have opposite-sex roommates. Don’t stay overnight at your significant other’s house. And the writings of Joshua Harris were very popular at that time, in the late 1990s, where he essentially says that dating is inherently un-Biblical and unhealthy.
After I left Davis, I found myself at Church I with the Problems, where I discovered much more that not all Christians believe exactly the same thing about everything. This group was even more legalistic than anything I had experienced before. One example that came up a lot in conversation was that that church taught strict young earth creationism. (I have written about this issue previously.) They had even more rules for how their members should behave, like not watching R-rated movies and not dating people who serve in the same ministry as you and not voting for candidates who aren’t 100% anti-abortion and anti-homosexual rights. Next, at Church II with the Problems, I saw that some of the old rules didn’t apply there. There were Christians who swore and smoked and drank and had tattoos. I had other more serious problems there not related to legalism, but that is a topic for another time.
Some of these rules don’t work anymore, and some of them never did. Life has changed, and the world has changed. I wish I could throw my fear in the sea of no cares and just not worry about all this. But the few occasions on which I did something approaching this didn’t work out so well. I’ve written before about Mimosa, a much younger girl who I had a brief fling with in 2010. A lot of things that happened that week broke the aforementioned rules, and that led to a lot of hurt, in the form of miscommunications and misunderstandings, creating a tension that seemed to overshadow our remaining friendship for some time afterward (although we are friends now). Ultimately, the main issue was that we were at different points in our lives, and I blamed much of the misunderstanding on the age difference (13 years, 4 months). I settled that by making a new rule for myself, which I called “Simpsons Rule” as an homage to the similarly-named theorem from numerical analysis. The rule was this: If she wasn’t born yet on the day that the TV series “The Simpsons” first aired*, then she’s too young for me. I chose this date somewhat arbitrarily in order to give my rule a clever name (although I don’t think I ever shared this with anyone), but also because one of the first things I noticed about Mimosa was that her date of birth is very close to the day that The Simpsons first aired. (She falls just barely on the too-young side of that date.)
(*”The Simpsons” first aired on December 17, 1989)
But sometimes these rules I make for myself become arbitrary and pointless, and even counterproductive. A couple years back, I saw a Facebook comment by a friend from college who I’ll call “Kallichore.” We were still in touch for a while after I was done with college, I have one of those weird distinct memories of something she said to me that would have happened around 2001 or ’02, but we lost touch through natural causes shortly after that. Anyway, I saw something that Kallichore posted to one of our mutual friends who I have stayed in touch with, and I thought about adding her because she was always a good friend who was nice to me. I decided not to, though, because of an awkward incident that happened in 1997 involving a failed attempt by me to ask her out. If she happened to notice me on Facebook and send me a friend request, then wonderful, it’d be great to hear from her, but I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to initiate anything. A couple years pass, and just recently I saw something she said on Facebook to the same mutual friend. I replied directly to what she said… and then I got to thinking. Yes, I had a failed attempt to ask her out in 1997. But that was more than seventeen years ago. Furthermore, we were still friends long after that, and I even remember a conversation we had years later in which the 1997 incident came up, and she cleared the air about what really was going on in her mind at the time and why she turned me down. So why would there be any lingering awkwardness so many years later? I was over that by 2001-02ish, I’m over it now, and ignoring her after I specifically replied to something she wrote on Facebook just seemed rude at this point. So I threw that rule out the window, sent her a friend request, we got to catch up over Facebook, and it’s been good hearing from her again, as well as reading funny stories she posts about her kids. (Kallichore, if you happen to read this and recognize yourself in the story, I hope I didn’t make things weird by bringing up things from the past. When I friended you on Facebook, I had no intentions beyond that you were always a good friend and I wanted to hear what you were up to now.)
So why not just throw the rules out and live free? There were certainly other times I’ve thrown out the rules. When I was dating Vega the Nice Ex in 2006, she lived 100 miles away, and sometimes I’d stay on her couch on a Saturday night and drive home Sunday morning, despite the fact that some legalistic Christians believe that such an action gives off the appearance of sexual immorality to the outside world. During that same time period, I had a female roommate, despite that fact that legalists say the same thing about that. There was never any sexual tension between that roommate and me, and for that matter, we kept to ourselves most of the time. I was in my room grading papers and chatting online with babes, and she was in her room studying and playing World of Warcraft.
The problem is knowing which rules I should keep and which I shouldn’t. Some of them kind of fall into Biblical gray areas. Don’t get drunk, good rule, but do I really need to abstain from all alcohol? I know plenty of Christians who occasionally drink enough that they could qualify as drunk; does that make them bad Christians? I don’t think so. Don’t kiss on the first date, that’s probably a good idea for me personally, since the one time I did break that rule (Mimosa), that made the heartbreak a lot more intense, but does that mean I should be afraid to, say, hold hands with someone I’ve been out with a few times? Maybe is it even time to throw out Simpsons Rule, if I meet someone that young who I seem to click with? Age differences become less significant over time, and a lot of women young enough to fall on the too-young side of Simpsons Rule (they could be as old as 25 now) can be pretty mature. I don’t know. Life is complicated, and the rules don’t always apply the same way in every situation. How do I know which principles I should hold on to in every situation, and how do I know which ones don’t always apply? There is no easy answer other than to keep seeking God’s wisdom.